Author Archives: Michael

Roadtrip-a-thon 2010: Prologue

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In perhaps an hour I leave for a sorely needed vacation. The next week will bring family, friends, many miles on the car, and the mythic dirt of home.

Tonight we’re Toledo-bound for no other reason that Toledo is about the point we’ll be getting tired, there’s a Hampton Inn, and Hampton Inns have free and tasty breakfasts. Friday through Monday will be spent at the family cabin in central PA. Then it’s on to Binghamton, Baltimore, and Frederick before we point our car west once more. We’ll be back in the Chicago area (hopefully) on the 10th, leaving one lovely day to veg out and destress (and, importantly, not drive) before we have to return to real life.

So, c’mon vacay. Get yourself started. I have some beers to drink, some laughing to do, and some people to see.

Can’t wait.

In which I wallow in insecurity but you shouldn’t worry about me because, really, I’m fine.

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A minor site redesign today, mostly because I was getting bored with the old one. The wordpress theme I’m using is called “Twentyten” and the new banner image comes via a Creative Comments attribute license from a flickr user named ‘BRADYDAWG.’

Renovations work at the museum continues, and is going well, for the most part. I can’t seem to shake this near-constant feeling of anxiety, though. This is not a good thing. I posted as such a few weeks ago on facebook and a college friend pointed out that “anxiety is just another word for fear. So what is it you’re afraid of?” I think he’s absolutely spot on. I throw around words like ‘anxiety’ quite a bit without thinking about what they really mean. What am I afraid of?

I’m afraid that the renovations will hit some kind of deadline-busting snag. I’m afraid some additional expense will come up that will eat up what little remains of the budget. I’m afraid that some little bureaucratic detail will rear its ugly head and delay the renovation progress. I’m intimidated by being the one in charge of the renovations project – I feel visible and exposed. In the financial state of the University, I fear that not constantly proving my worth will lead to layoff. I fear the future. When this project winds down, will it be time to job search again? I hate job searching. Chicago doesn’t feel like home. Is there a place that will? I long for it; I fear I’ll never find it. What does the future hold? No way to be sure? I fear uncertainty. Too often I find myself thinking, “What’s going to go wrong next?” I hate that guy.

So, yeah. I have anxiety.

I fear.

The Missing Piece

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Last night’s series finale of LOST has me thinking about death and what comes after. Is there an afterlife? Does what we do in life matter? Do the connections we make with loved ones resonate after we are gone? (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. Abandon hope all ye who enter here. You have been warned.)

I don’t have the answers. I don’t have a ton of patience for those who tell me they do have the answers. How can they know? Faith? There’s a thin line between faith and self serving self delusion. That said, there’s an equally thin line between objectivity and nihilism. I don’t know if I’ll let myself believe. But I desperately want to.

In LOST, the “flash-sideways” we’ve been seeing all season (as opposed to previous seasons’ flash-backs and flash-forwards) have not been to an alternate reality, but instead to a metaphysical limbo, some kind of staging ground between this life and the next. The characters in it don’t know – not at first – that they’re no longer living. It isn’t until each of them has a transcendent moment that they reconnect with the memories and emotional baggage of their prior lives that they find peace and become ready to move on to the next stage of afterlife; presumably heaven, Valhalla, sto-vo-kor, etc.

I like the message this says. No one is alone. We are all members of a community, a family. In life and in the afterlife, it is only with the help of others that we can move forward. In sideways-limbo-world, most of the characters had a pretty decent life. But they also felt like something was missing. They were unfullfilled, untethered, un-ruddered. Until they made the connections with people from their “real” life and found fulfillment and peace.

We all feel this disconnection on some level. I know I do. I have a good life: good job, great wife, family that loves me, wonderful friends. But – like everyone – I feel like something’s missing. Some people fill that hole with faith. Faith in a deity, in organized religion, in the universe. If that’s you, well, we’re on different pages. I don’t judge, and frankly I admire people of faith. But I’m not there yet. I was once and may be again, but life events of the last decade tell me that if there is a God, if there is a higher power, they are utterly unknowable and un-understandable at best. For me, faith is on hold until I can construct a world view where a compassionate deity and senseless suffering are not mutually exclusive.

But last night showed me that the missing piece in all of us can be filled. Not only with faith but also with those we are connected to. It’s on us to make those connections, to nurture them, and to let them guide us through life. And maybe, just maybe, those connections resonate in the great beyond. Maybe part of ourselves stays connected to parts of ourothers and the bonds we’ve made in this life, to borrow a phrase, echo in eternity.

And that’s the answer. To feel fullfilled, tethered, ruddered? Find someone to love. Let them provide fullfillment. Tether yourself to them. Let them become your rudder. If you lack faith? Don’t worry. Hang on to your loved ones, and they will see you home.

I know it was just a TV show. But it gave me hope.