Author Archives: Michael

Bitchy McDreadlocks

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I just had the nicest conversation with a neighbor. Anyone who thinks civility and good manners are dead should meet my neighbor – who’s name I can only assume is Bitchy McDreadlocks – to be proved…… well……. totally and completely right.

I got home from work today a little after 5. Soon after, Emily and I noticed there was a dog locked in a car in the driveway next door. Howling. Intermittantly but persistantly. It howled for 4 more hours. We debated what to do. I went on a little recon mission and determined whose dog it wasn’t and that the doorbell for the owner was going unanswered.  So we debated some more and Emily finally decided to place a call in to our friendly neighborhood police force.

Like it couldn’t have been scheduled any better, as soon as she hung up, the owner (Bitchy McDreadlocks) came out to check on the dog; to walk and water it…….. and lock it right back in the car.

So I went out there.

Turns out I’m a huuuuge dick for daring to question her dog-rearing capabilities. Her friend got in a car accident, has a fucked up leg, is crashing on her couch, their dogs don’t get along, and have I no sympathy at all?

In truth, my side of the conversation was conducted in a calm, rational, polite-but-serious manner. Hers was conducted ina high pitched, flustered voice over her shoulder as she walked away from me. Of course, being me, I did sort of come a little unglued at the end. No yelling (as may have happened in the past) but as she mounted her stoop and muttered various curses under her breath, I let loose with a heavily sarcastic “Well it was sure reeeal nice talking with you.”

When we saw her out there with the dog (but before I talked to her) we gave her the benefit of the doubt and cancelled the call in to the police.

But now?

The dog’s still out there and the dog’s still howling and if it’s still howling when it’s time for bed, the cops are getting another call.

You’re god damn right they are.

I mean, she told me that I was crazy for asserting that a locked car was not an ideal place for a dog to spend the night.

Face Diamonds, Boat “Shows”, and Creepy Stalker-like Shoutouts

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I don’t think my body has gotten the memo that I’m not really stressed about anything.

It’s certainly acting like I am.

When I’m stressed, I sleep with clenched teeth. Which is exactly what happened last night. Thus, I woke up with a headache. And, as headaches often do, this one made me… you guessed it… clench my teeth. Obviously, this has perpetuated the headache. Fabulous.

If I had a lump of carbon and some was of implanting it between my forehead and jaw I don’t think student loans would be an issue any more because – yup – diamond.

Today I went to the Burlington “Boat Show” which is in ironical quotes for a very special reason. (And I used ‘ironical’ just to be ironic. I think I’m about to reach critical mass here.) Anywho, it was indeed in Burlington, it did indeed feature boats, and what with the signs and several food vendors, I suppose it technically qualified as a show. But sheesh. There was an overwhelming feeling of reluctance and lethargy about the place. Like no one, vendors and attendees, wanted to be there.

Once I went to an RV show when I was a.)single and b.)not really interested in RVs and left seriously considering buying one. Today’s boat show…. meh. And I really do want to buy a boat someday. But today just made me want to put that boat-buying day off and go find something slightly more interesting to do.

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And now, a little segment I like to call “Fun with Site Stats”.

I like to check in with my site statistics from time to time. See how many people are reading the ol’ page (hint: not many), what entries they look at, and where they’re from. In a highly scientific poll of website owners 100% of them admitted to doing the same. Ok, fine, my sample population consisted entirely of myself, but the only other individual in the room is the cat and her site, bitchiestbitchthateverbitched.info is sadly still in the planning stages.

Whatever. The point is that I know all and you can hide nothing from me. Well, nothing that sitemeter.com doesn’t assemble, collate, and present to me.

So, this week I’d like to give a special Hey-How-Ya-Doin’? to two new visitors. I have no idea who they are, but their visits to this here page caught my eye and I thought I’d say hi.

The first jumped out at me based on location. Hello to Paris, France! I hope you’re enjoying yourself and that I haven’t come off too much like a pig-headed American. Give it time, that will come.

The second is for someone visiting from some sort of hedgehog-related URL. When I was a sophomore in college, my roommates wanted everyone to chip in to buy a hedgehog for the room. I said no. One of the best decisions I ever made. Why? Because they still bought the thing, it was still a good conversation started and was gold as far as the cute-girl “aww-how-adorable” factor went, but as I didn’t chip in for the thing, I also didn’t have to buy it any food or clean it’s cage. I am a genius. Also, selfish.

Anyway; hello to France and hello to Hedgehog. I’m glad you’re here.