Monthly Archives: May 2009

Soonish

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A heartfelt thanks to both Kate and Jenn who offered words of support after my admittedly-pathetic last post. I ended up sending an email to my two main professors from the grad program. One of them agreed to go through his mental rolodex for any jobs I am interested in and see if he has any contacts there. If so, he said he’d be happy to write a letter/make a phonecall of introduction, so that’s nice at least.

Today I applied for a job shipping packages for a local chocolate company, applied for a job as a senior analyst for an energy efficiency nonprofit, and showed up for my first temp agency posting. Such is mi vida loca these days.

The temp agency thing is a three day thing staffing the check-in table at a local business expo. It’s more of a business-to-business type thing, but they said they’ll let us walk around the exhibitors hall for a while if we want, so I’m bringing some resumes just in case. Also a guy I’ve been connected with that might throw some consulting work my way will be there, so I’ll get to introduce myself to him too.

But really. I need structure. I need at least a few definitives in my professional life. I’d like that to start soonish rather than laterish.

All is not hopeless, last post notwithstanding. I just really want stuff to start happening soon.

Worth.

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I feel like crying today.

That’s not hyperbole, I’m not trying to be dramatic. I’m not trying to be funny. I tried to make myself cry earlier today and couldn’t. Talking on the phone to emily about what’s on my mind, tears began to come unbidden. Just writing these words now I’ve got a lump in my throat.

Nothing bad has happened, there has been no great family tragedy.

I just feel worthless. I can’t get a job to save my life.

I have applied to pver thirty jobs. I have applied for jobs I am under-qualified for, over0qualified for, and qualified for. Nobody, not one, has given me the fucking time of day.

It was not supposed to be this hard.

I left the last job and moved to Vermont to start a better life, a career that was meaninful and that I’d enjoy. I worked my ass off in grad school to make that happen. I worked harder in grad school than i have at anything, ever, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I kicked ass. I was a fairly awesome student. And I loved it.

All I want is a job, preferably in my field of study, although these days that is negotiable. I want to bring in a regular paycheck and feel like I contribute.

I don’t want to sit around the apartment anymore. I want to stop watching reruns of The West Wing, and Scrubs, and bad standup on Comedy Central. I want someone, anyone, to acknowledge me with the offer of a full time job.

I don’t want to feel worthless anymore.

But my inbox stays empty. I stay in the apartment. Worthless.

And that makes me want to cry.