I feel like crying today.

That’s not hyperbole, I’m not trying to be dramatic. I’m not trying to be funny. I tried to make myself cry earlier today and couldn’t. Talking on the phone to emily about what’s on my mind, tears began to come unbidden. Just writing these words now I’ve got a lump in my throat.

Nothing bad has happened, there has been no great family tragedy.

I just feel worthless. I can’t get a job to save my life.

I have applied to pver thirty jobs. I have applied for jobs I am under-qualified for, over0qualified for, and qualified for. Nobody, not one, has given me the fucking time of day.

It was not supposed to be this hard.

I left the last job and moved to Vermont to start a better life, a career that was meaninful and that I’d enjoy. I worked my ass off in grad school to make that happen. I worked harder in grad school than i have at anything, ever, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I kicked ass. I was a fairly awesome student. And I loved it.

All I want is a job, preferably in my field of study, although these days that is negotiable. I want to bring in a regular paycheck and feel like I contribute.

I don’t want to sit around the apartment anymore. I want to stop watching reruns of The West Wing, and Scrubs, and bad standup on Comedy Central. I want someone, anyone, to acknowledge me with the offer of a full time job.

I don’t want to feel worthless anymore.

But my inbox stays empty. I stay in the apartment. Worthless.

And that makes me want to cry.

2 thoughts on “Worth.

  1. i need volunteers to come be wacky with three to five year old kids this june. wanna come? seriously. think about it.

  2. Oh my goodness, my boyfriend has been struggling with this for years. He initially went back to school after struggling with no luck to find a job for over a year (in another recession). At this point he is almost done with school but even though he’s been doing that, he didn’t have the great experience in school you did, instead disliking his department, most of his professors, and his fellow students. So that didn’t give him much of an opportunity to feel a part of something either. Anyway, I’m glad you have Emily who I’m sure is so supportive of you. It can’t stop you from feeling like this sometimes of course, so all I can tell you is that your worth is very much NOT tied to being employed, and that this too shall pass.

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