Hello, Baltimore drivers!

As part of my ongoing responsibility to you, my fellow citizen, I feel the need to bring to your attention some poor and aggrivating choices some of you make whilst navigating the highways and boulevards of our fine metropolis. I do this in the interests of making our streets as safe as possible and our stress levels blissfully low.

Here are some things I humbly and respectfully request you do not do.

1. Back in to a parking space

Are you driving a delivery truck? Pulling up to an ER in an ambulance? Sitting in the pilot seat of out 747 while pushing back from the gate? No? Then do me a freaking favor and don’t back in to a parking space at the 7fucking11, ok?  It jams up the lot, impedes people who are in a hurry, and makes you look like the selfish asshole you most likely are. Oh, and also, you are not nearly as skilled in backing up as you think you are.This is why the back of your car is so close to your neighbor that your gas cap door doesn’t have room to swing open while the front of your car is so far away from anything else that an entire game of football could fit in the space. And not American football either. Giant-field European football.

2. Drive straight through the right-most left hand turn lane from Northbound MLK on to Franklin during the evening commute

I see this every damn day. If nothing else, this is the thing in my life which will lead to my eventual heart attack. The left turn lanes can vary. Sometimes only one lane turns left. Sometimes it’s two. There is a lighted sign that can change to tell drivers whether the lane is currently a go-straight lane or a turn only lane. During the evening commute, it is always, *always* a turn only lane. The sign is big, the sign is bright, the sign is unmotherfuckingmissable. And still every day as I pass through the intersection and signal so I can slide over to the leftmost Northbound MLK lane, I almost get smacked in the rear bumper by some jerkoff who has chosen to ignore the turn-only arrow and charge straight on through the intersection. Asshole.

3. Running redlights

Nothing more to say. We suck at this. Myself included. We need to get much, much better.

4. Not yeilding

Who the hell are you? Are you in so much of a hurry. You have the yield sign for a reason. And that reason is that it is the fucking law that you yield. And if two lanes are merging and we both have a yield then that’s called the zipper, chuckles. Lane one goes then lane two goes then lane one then lane two, then me, then you. Learn it. Live it.

That’s all – for now.

Let’s all learn to live together ok? Oh, and we should also all learn to stop pissing me off.